So often you hear mothers to be talking about what they are going to do re: work/family after their child is born. They have plans--a stake in the ground so to speak. Many women claim to know before even being pregnant what they will do when that child is born. "Of course I'm going back to work!" "daycare will be so much fun; i've checked it out already and it's so educational and safe." "I know this is best for us."

But if they do know, then that's sad. Truly sad, because they are making decisions without asking their own child. Sure, he might not be able to speak in words at 3 months or 8 months, but he communicates in a zillion ways, through his demeanor, sleep, eating, activity level and emotions on his face. How can you possibly know what is best for him without seeing him interact in the world? How many of us what to be assigned to a place to work without having interviewed there, smelled it, met the coworkers and boss? How many of us would like to be told that someone else decided who we'd spend 12 hours a day with, sight unseen?

Life is fluid with kids, and this constant desire to put in stone what works on paper is not reality.

This is just another way in which we desperately try to act like we are in control.

But we are not in control. We are just people, and that child is another person. Your kid will have a personality, one that might adore daycare and hate Mary Poppins. He might be special needs, in which case all bets are off. Maybe he's shy and needs his mother to grow to become confident, and bad attachment now is a disaster for him. Or you may find that you need to be home with your child due to illness, or that you must work for health insurance coverage. It could be that staying near family is best, or moving away from family turns out to be best because cost of living is lower, or the town is safer or the job market is better. You might have a death in the family that changes everything, etc. And that's just when he's 4 months old. All of these things change continuously, so what didn't work at 4 months might at 8; what did work at 8 won't work at 2 yrs, etc.

So much about the modern woman is about controlling her destiny-making money, deciding her career, choosing spouses, where to live, taking charge of financial decisions, etc. But motherhood is about putting your child in control. Some humility in the face of this awesome responsibility of parenting means admitting that making decisions by fiat is actually wrong for the whole family. We are guardians of our children, not owners. Acting without consulting them is really missing the point.

So, that perfect solution may not be so perfect when the time comes, and that's okay.  Learning to adapt to your child's needs is part of the beauty of parenting--teaching us that all of our sure footing, material desires are just barely relevant compared to that smile on your baby's face.